What's in the box?

   I woke up with hangover once again today and do you know what was the first thing I thought? Why am I still so fucking sad? I have been unhappy for such a long time and now this has to stop.

"Things change and it's not necessarily someone's fault. Everything changes."

Things will never be the way we want them to be and people either. People change, they come and go but who stays 'till the end? 

Life is a bitch and it will always be. So what are we going to do? I guess maybe we are the ones who have to change because if we don't try to help ourselves nobody is going to do it for us, ever.

   And I know that after all this time I can't accept the fact that it's over, he is gone, he isn't mine anymore.

"That's all right, we're made for each other. He will be there in the end." 

I remember that day, I threw all his stuff away so I won't have anything to remind me of him. Although I had a weird feeling all day. Eventually, that night,I was just sitting on the sofa in that bar and when I turned my head he was there. After 1 year I saw him. My heart started beating so fast and I didn't know what the fuck to do. I mean, how do you face a guy you still love, that has told you "hey, I don't want you anymore, I got over you" ?? So he just walked away, he acted like I wasn't even there. And as stupid as I am I went to talk to him. Why did I even do that? You know, for the first time in my life I felt so much pain because I finally realised that ok, yes, he is not mine anymore and he will never be again. So close yet so far. He was there and I couldn't even touch him,kiss him or just hug him. That was the worst feeling I've ever felt.

"The cure for pain is in the pain." 

So I guess only time can help us and it takes a lot of time for a pain to go away.

   On the other hand I miss my dad so much and here comes the irony. Who should I miss more? My dad or my first love? But they are two totally different people, right? There is no question for that. Two totally different situations. They were both special to me and now none of them is here. 

"People die out when we forget them. As long as we remember them,they are still alive." 

If my dad was here, many things would be better. Actually everything would be better. There are so many conversations we never had the chance to have. There are so many questions I would like to ask him. But most of all I wish he was here just to tell him how much I love him. My life has been very different since he was gone. I don't feel safe anymore. Dad was the only person who could make me feel safe. I don't think any stronger love exists than the love between a dad and a daughter. They say that no person can love one other, as a father loves his daughter. God, I miss him so much. Sometimes I think I'm not strong enough to face all these. Maybe I just have to live with it. He is not coming back and I should at least feel appreciated for the moments I had the chance to spend with him. 

So I felt that safety with my ex. I knew that there was someone there who would protect me, who would just hug me and tell me that everything's going to be alright. Someone who could make me smile, make me happy. My first thought when I woke up and my last before sleeping. Someone who used to tell me good morning and good night every day. Someone whom I could trust. My everything. My whole world. Now, that that safety's gone I'm just scared. I've been trying so hard to fill the holes but it's impossible. No arms will hug me the same way as he did and no person can make me feel so safe again. 

Now I'm just scared. That I will never find anything like that again. That no one will ever love me again. That I'm not pretty enough, smart enough, good enough for someone else. I'm so fucking scared because I can't depend on myself. I can't be alone. I feel weak. I feel like I can't achieve anything and I need to find myself but I just don't know the way to do that.

Perhaps I could find myself in many different places. 

As for example this amazing drawing. Look at this girl. Look closely. What can you see? Can you see her pain? My only question was "what's in the box?". Then one day,my friend told me that in the box are all the things that keep that girl back. Her sadness. The books and the music are the things that let her get out of darkness and the whales are different ways of her being happy. Look carefully. Do you compare yourself with her? Because I do, a little, and you know what? I would really like to find the key of her box, lock it and throw the key away. Do you agree? 

Everyone has that one special box with all the things that make them suffer yet they love that box so much. Without knowing why.